I’m tired… (caution: a rant)

21 06 2010

[rant]

I’m tired of spending all day, every day, in this wheelchair.

I’m tired, after 38 years of being able to get up and walk around at will, of being in a seated position all day, every day, looking at the world from a height of 4 feet.

I’m tired of being tired and nodding off to sleep in the wheelchair at any given time.

I’m tired of not being able to sleep well at night, because of dreams that wake me up thinking, “What the hell was that all about?”

I’m tired of never having what one would term a “good” dream. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to dream, period.

I’m tired of my body not being able to handle any level of heat. Even when it’s in the 70s outside, I find it too warm for me. And this year, it’s been even warmer the past couple of months, with temperatures in the 80s. I used to love weather like this. Not anymore. So when the summer hits, I end up staying in my cooler apartment, not going anywhere.

I’m tired of this constant tinnitus in my left ear, that drowns out speech and therefore makes talking to someone in person or talking on the telephone uncomfortable, if not impossible.

I’m tired of feeling like I have no chance to share my life with anyone. I was a social wallflower even before the wheelchair. It feels worse for me now. Besides, who would be interested in being with someone like me – a broken person (who can no longer walk, who can no longer hear properly, etc.)?

I’m tired of being here alone all day, every day. I’m tired of feeling like that’s how the rest of my life is going to be.

I’m tired…of everything.

[/rant]

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2 responses

21 06 2010
Karen Brown

Jim – I can feel your pain through your words and it worries me. I have known many people who have similar feelings. For some it’s a moment, others days and still others the feelings last much longer. Having purpose every day seems to be key. You have so many talents – I pray you will find strength in the ability of those talents to find purpose. Tell me how I might help.

21 06 2010
Jim Todd

Thank you, Karen. Unfortunately, there’s nothing really that anyone can do. I’m just at a very low point right now. This dreams business I mentioned in my blog is a large part of it, because it screws up my ability to have a decent night’s sleep. If I don’t seem to have dreams, I’m in much better spirits than I have been the last couple of days.

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