My mom, and why the next few days will be rough for me…

6 05 2010

In a way, I did see this coming earlier this week. Even so, I was unprepared for how it would affect me.

In this blog, back in February, I mentioned my initial reaction to the sudden passing of my mother. Surprisingly, for the most part, I’d been ok since then. This week, that has changed. I’ve been a mess since Wednesday morning, when the knowledge that Mom is no longer here hit me like a ton of bricks.

What made me see this coming? Today (May 6th) would have been her birthday. She would have been 68. Pair that with the fact that Mother’s Day – the first one after Mom passed away – is this weekend, and I knew this was going to be difficult.

I’ll admit, when I got the news that Mom had passed away, I was not sure how this was going to affect me. Mom and I had been estranged for just over 13 years prior to her death. Without appearing to speak ill of her at this time, let’s just say an event happened on what was my 39th birthday that forced me to make the decision to cut ties with her. It was well known by myself and my family that she was an alcoholic, and I had decided that if she wanted to have a relationship with me again, Mom would have to make the first move, and for me, the only acceptable first move would be for her to stop drinking.

When I severed contact with her, it really saddened me to have to, but I had no choice for my own well-being.

Because I hadn’t even spoken to her all those years, I have no way of knowing if she had stopped drinking. At any rate, the reconciliation that I had hoped for never happened and never will happen. Part of me is grieving for that.

It’s clear now that 13 years of being apart have not changed how I feel deep down about Mom. I love Mom. She brought me into this world, and there’s a bond between us that will always be there.

I wish the circumstances were different. I’ve been through a hell of a lot in recent years: most recently, finding myself in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. And there are times when it would have been good for me to have Mom there to talk to. Sadly, that was not to be…and now she’s gone.

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